if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love