i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
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