I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
