I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
Just 30 Funny Tumblr Posts About Starbucks
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
18 People Are Kind Of A**holes But Also Completely Hilarious
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!