watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize