I want to have your abortion
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
