May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
Randomize
