That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
