have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
23 People Noticed Deal Breakers in Their Partner A Little Too Late
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
23 Millennials Confess The Things They Wish They Weren’t Attracted To
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.