I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married