I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie