and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
