My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Randomize
