This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
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somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
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So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
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