I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
