If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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