The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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