I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found the puke drawer
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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