Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize