Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
Randomize
