Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
is that a dick in a sweater?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
