The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
