It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
