The police scanner is talking about you again....
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize