If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
