Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
