I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.