Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out