New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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