The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
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