who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
