i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
Randomize
