If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
