the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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