Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
Randomize
