my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.