Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
