i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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