look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Randomize
