Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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