My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
