you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
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We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
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I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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