He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
