I just pynch a tree in the face
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
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Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
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You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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