I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
