too bad you live with your parents still
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
