3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
