I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
