You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
