I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
