I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
