I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
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My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
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Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.