Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
These Little Things Make People Overly Angry
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
These Medical Professionals Recall the Worst Cases of Hypochondria They’ve Seen
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid