Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.